I am proud

Scared of Revolving Doors, pinoytumblr: (via gelalalove).

My alma mater can cause heart attacks

For me, that is.

Here’s why.

Ateneo wins!

Sometimes I wonder…

…if helping makes the emptiness all worth it.

A reminder

Last week, I was reminded of my mortality twice.

I was answering a questionnaire for work and this one came up: “What are 5 things that are in your bucket list? Mark the ones that you have already done/achieved.”

At first, I couldn’t think of a single answer. Am I really that boring that I don’t intend to do anything magnanimous before I die? But after a few minutes, I realized 5 was too limiting, because I have hundreds of things that I have yet to do. So I eventually drew up my 5 goals and marked one which I have reached.

That was when I realized that I still have enough time to do the other stuff on my list. And of course, I intend to reach complete them in the near future.

I was still in that contemplative mood when my phone rang, and the person on the other line gave me one of worst news I’ve ever heard recently – a workmate of mine, whom I have only met a few days before, was shot dead. I hurriedly caught a cab to the hospital where he was taken and saw tearful eyes and shocked faces as everyone tried to cope with the tragedy.

While listening to the discussions that surrounded me, I learned that the victim was only 24, married, with a 4-year-old kid. My heart bled for that little family, whose future momentarily went on a stand-still because of a crime that nobody could comprehend. And it dawned on me, a young man, who still had a lot to offer  lay lifeless in the morgue, whose ambitions and plans came to a halt without any warning.

Did he have his own bucket list? How many was he able to mark as done?

If the cliché, “good men die young” is true, does this mean that he was able to live a complete life at a very young age?

In the end, I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that I am still alive, and I could still live the life that I am supposed to live.

But a little part of me felt reflective… here was this 24-year-old guy who may have had a life worth living and who may have been prepared for the end to come…

…while here I am, 33 years old, with all my senses intact… still pondering over bucket lists.

Making A Difference: Perfect Chivalry

While I’m on the subject of kind souls, I would like to share with you an experience I had in the past.

About 2 years ago, I was at this event that featured DJ Kaskade – the attendees were hardcore “party people”, the usual audience of shows like these. During the first song, I ordered a can of beer and took a few sips. After a few minutes, I decided to go outside for some fresh air because I started getting dizzy. As soon as I stepped out, cold sweat covered me and my vision became blurred. So I sat down and lowered my head, for blood to circulate properly.

After an hour (or so I think), my friend came out to check up on me and she started panicking as I was not moving, I just kept on repeating that I needed some cold air. Since we couldn’t get a hold of my driver via phone, she got worried and didn’t know what to do (Ask help from the bouncers? Talk to the organizers – someone I know? Help me stand up?) Until I heard a male voice tell her to get water and that he’ll just keep me company to make sure that I was safe. She was hesitant at first, but after seeing how sick I looked, she went inside to get me a glass. For the next few minutes, this stranger talked to me, asked me how many drinks I took (I only had the few sips from that one can), wiped the sweat from my back, rubbed my arm and assured me repeatedly that I will be ok. When my friend returned, he got the glass from her and held it as I drank from it. Since my driver was not picking up the phone, my friend decided to go to the parking lot to look for the car. I remember telling the man to not leave me alone, and, if my memory serves me right, he replied, “I really plan on staying here with you”. He continued to comfort me while he and my cousin (who went outside after my friend told him what happened) tried to figure out what caused my sudden dizziness.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, my stressed out friend returned and told me to try to stand up, walk a few yards to the car that was by the driveway. The man waited for me to take a few steps, and when I did, he asked if I was really ok and gave instructions to my companions. He said goodbye and whispered, “Take care of her”, then he walked away.

The next day, after showing my gratitude to my friend, we concluded that maybe my drink was spiked with something.  And while we tried to recover from the shock, she revealed to me that the stranger, whose face I could not even remember (but whose voice I will recognize if ever I hear it again), stayed with us for more than an hour while the show he intended to see was happening inside the hall. We wondered, who was he? Was he for real?  Did anybody get his name? How does he look like? How could we thank him for being there?

Unfortunately, I never got to know who he was.

And as I went on with my life, I would sometimes be reminded of that night, the series of events, my friend’s heroic efforts…

…and how we came face-to-face with someone who may well be my guardian angel.

Making A Difference: A Kind Soul

In the recent months, I’ve been on the lookout for things that would bring back my belief on what is good. It’s been a while since I last posted something about this making me feel very hopeless about life.

Until I read a comment posted recently.

The fact that you are questioning everything shows your strong mind, NOT your weakness..Your strength will see you through..DON’T give up..there is a rainbow at the end of every storm..Stay strong and wait for the rainbow…

Thank you, Janet. I really appreciate what you have said… thanks for making a difference in a stranger’s life. You renewed my belief in myself, and in mankind. You are blessed.

Life will always be hard, and I have accepted that. But yes, I will try my best to live it.

Sunday Playlist: Just One Song

Spent my Sunday sulking over stuff that I’m not sure of, and I am posting this song which I need to listen to until I am convinced that everything will be ok.

Song: Superwoman

Artist: Alicia Keys

In the video below, she explains why she made this song and why it has become her favorite. And with that, big thanks to Ms. Keys, I needed to hear some good words today.

Yeah,
Everywhere I’m turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I’m searching (Uh, uh)
For the better part of me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I hang my head from sorrow (so much)
State of humanity (And so)
I wear it on my shoulders (hey)
Gotta find the strength in me

(Cause I)
Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes, I am
(Yes, she is)
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh, yes
I’m a Superwoman (that’s right)

(This is for)
For all the mothers fighting (yeah)
For better days to come (the’re coming)
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And all my sisters
Coming together (yeah)
Say yes, I will
Yes, I can (what’s that)

Cause I (Uh) am a Superwoman
Yes, I am
Yes, she is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I’m a Superwoman (yeah, yeah)

When I’m breaking down
And I can’t be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Oh

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes, I am
Yes, she is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh, yes
I’m a Superwoman
(Saying)
Yes, she is

Uhh, Let me tell you
I’m a superwoman..
Yes, I am
Yes, She is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Ooh, yes
I’m a Superwoman
(that’s right)
Yes, I am
Tell I’m a superwoman…
Yes, you are
Yeahhh……
Uhhhh, yeah…
Je,je, Come on
Yes, I am
Yes, me are
Yes, I am
Yes, you are

Fear… Anxiety

Today I am enveloped in this heavy, dark, gut-wrenching feeling. Swirling inside my head are fears and anxieties with varying magnitudes, different degrees, unequal importance, unclear realism – caused by my decision to throw myself inside the well of the unknown. Paranoia is slowly creeping in me… and it’s torture.

What’s in store for me?

Have I negatively affected a person’s disposition, by just my mere presence?

I don’t want to take a nap because that would mean wasting my Sunday.

I know I can do this… but why am I so insecure?

What if I fail myself once again?

Am I still strong?

Damn clock, the minutes fly by so fast.

Am I really cursed?

There’s no such thing as a perfect life right?

Don’t I deserve a happy life?

Maybe that’s how it should be with me, to always fail…

I am anticipating bad things to come. I was born to be unlucky.

What if they end up hating me?

What if they don’t want to hang out with me?

Is it just me or are there a couple of people who hate my existence?

In the long run, will this be worth it?

If I reach the bottom of the well, will it hurt? Will it kill me?

What if I experience the same experiences I had in the past?

All I wanted was a life that’s content, happy and comfortable… but now, I am actually believing that it won’t happen.

Will I be miserable my whole life?

Why can’t I be like the others?

I have to get rid of this insomnia.

My hours will be the death of me.

What happened to me?

Why is this happening to me?

Am I having a nervous breakdown? Why?

It’s too early to tell, and the majority of things are ok. What the hell is wrong with me????

Have I accepted the fact that I will die a sad and pitiful old hag?

 

I am now desperate… a clear sign that I will give up really soon.

End of My Hiatus

My frustrations:

- I have not featured my Sunday Playlists lately.

- My posts are not as frequent as before.

- I somehow couldn’t think of anything music-related to write about.

 

Why? Because my hiatus is over and I’m still adjusting — given that for 3 months, I had all the time in the world to do my own stuff.

Will post something more substantial once I’ve settled in.

In the meantime…

Respect and Awareness

At my age, I have come to pin down the 2 things that I have to remember as I try, little by little, to live a life that is right:

1. Respect for others: As I have mentioned in the past, I don’t believe in the saying that “respect is earned”. Everybody deserves to be respected. No, I don’t mean respect for the elders, loved ones and authority… I mean respect for everybody – the person sitting beside you, your helpers, street workers, the wet market vendor, the street children etc. We breathe the same air and stand on the same soil, so no one is above anybody.

Respect given, is respect returned.

2. Awareness of my actions: In the recent months, I have learned that all my actions will have results – and unfortunately, some of them, were not pleasant. While I have yet to muster the courage to write about my traumatic experience at my most recent job, I have already admitted the fact (to this wonderful woman named Yoly Villanueva-Ong of Campaigns and Grey Philippines) that self-awareness is key. Not everyone came from the same mold as mine: A little joke may be funny to me, but may be highly offensive to another person; a smart-ass remark may be deemed insubordinate by a boss; a straight forward approach may be seen as undermining one’s authority/position and so on and so forth.

With these 2, I then protect my name, my family’s reputation, my friends’ disposition and the company which I represent. Wherever I go, people may see me as “SORD, the daughter of A, the friend of B and who works at C”, whether I’m in a mall, at work, in a bar, in another country and even in my own home.

And more importantly, I am seen as human, who lives in a world that deserves to be humanely treated. So I may not be a saint, but at least I can be a good person to others and to myself.