why am i worried?

i’ve read posts about his blogs, opinions about his choices, mockery about his words, banter about his lifestyle, jeers about his persona…

but hey, shouldn’t it just be about his music?

i am one to admit that i could still remember the time i became a fan. yeah, i may forever live in this ridiculous place that people have created for those who admitted that they are f-a-n-s… but i don’t care, as i never really thought of him as music-dom’s sexy, bad-ass mascot. i only liked his sound, post-“heavier things”.

i remember hearing “waiting on the world to change” and “slow dancing in a burning room“, while watching a rerun of the premiere ep of CSI LV’s nth season last year.

and i had these thoughts in my head while waching catherine willows and nick stokes dance…

1) dang, what the hell happened to willows???

2) are she and stokes getting it on?

3) wow, the singer’s head is huge! he reminds me of a gorilla

4) great songs though, wish that first song becomes CSI’s theme.

5) the 2nd one actually helped me imagine that willows and stokes were actually GONNA DO IT, and will regret it the next day. wait… i love the song!

6) WHAT?! that’s john mayer???

and so that fateful day, sometime in april (i said i was watching the rerun), i decided to “youtube” john mayer. that was when i found out what he has been up to the past 2 years… (the last time i actually listened to his song was when “your body was a wonderland” came out. it was nice, i somehow felt a bit special, as if someone was singing the song to me… even if my boyfriend during that time never did utter anything as insanely hot as that).

so anyway, i remember having a crazy YM chat-marathon with my friend ian (who’s a great critique when it comes to music) and i mentioned that i was surprised to see john mayer “all grown up”. and he said, “you should hear ‘continuum’, that’s the best album he has ever made.” for some time, i noticed that every time his name would come out (whether in the net, over the radio, through friends), i’d hear this —  “his latest album is the best, by far”.

so here i was after a few days, feeling like a musical nomad, in the CD store, getting a copy of the said album, along with “defected“, and dave matthews. i was a bit skeptical about that said purchase but i decided to give it a chance. well, i was bound to listen to it, so i did, and guess what… it totally blew my mind.

it was great. for someone who was a bit of a music snob, i found myself reacting to the songs as if i just found a treasure.

and soon afterwards, i started to google him everyday. his lyrics, his concerts, his videos, his awards. man, this guy had everything… he even went out with america’s sweetheart (well, it took me a few more months — really —  to realize that they broke up even before i saw the csi ep).

by may, i got hooked to all his music. buying copies of his past albums, embedding his vids in my multiply site.

then one day… while technorati-ing, i stumbled upon his blog. and found these pieces really endearing…


Thursday, May 17 2:32 PM:

“Design and manufacture a staple to help keep fajitas securely wrapped. Call it “The Fajita Staple”. Make it strong, perhaps hewn from solid steel. Tangs must be very sharp so as to pierce steak or chicken, or in some cases fish. Can we get it into Rite-Aid by Christmas? (Ask Gary Thaint’s people.) ”


“Here’s some stuff I was thinking about on the treadmill today. I don’t bring my iPod to the gym anymore. I can’t really explain it except to say that there’s something unsatisfying about it. The songs kind of drill into my ear when I’m working out and I can’t concentrate on the parts of the music I want to. (I told you I couldn’t really explain it.)”

” …The world needs a new hour from Chris Rock to set us all straight, I can tell you that.

After his set, I committed the cardinal sin around comedians, called “try and make the funny guy laugh”. I did not make the funny guy laugh, and in fact, made a fool out of myself in the process. Who knew he was coming by and that I was going to have so many Jack and Dianes… (my new name for Jack and Diet…)”

“I just saw a commercial for Lexus featuring Elvis Costello, and as I like to pay attention to my reactions when I’m being sold something, I thought this was an interesting one. Here’s the order of impressions made on me.

a. Oh look, there’s Elvis Costello.

b. Man, that guy looks cool. I hope I look that cool someday.

c. How old is he? He’s just plain cool. And it’s got nothing to do with age. I’d like my cool to have nothing to do with age.

d. Do you just decide to do that and you can? I hope so. I’m deciding right now to be that cool.

e. He’s talking about Beethoven. Interesting.

f. He’s in a Lexus. Cool looking car.

g. Oh, it’s a Lexus ad, centered on the stereo system.


“Reading on a treadmill is very bad for my eyes”



“….Jimi Hendrix, whether by chemical escapism or by the luxury of singularity that discovery offers, never played guitar sheepishly. He was so rooted in ‘now’ (which unfortunately at its most immediate sounding is still only best known as ‘then’) that he never read over his own ticker tape while he played. Maybe after, sure – that’s where self-betterment stems from – but in the act, when thinking about yourself does you no good, there was no judgment. By not considering the expression worthless, he made it momentous.”


that was when a soft spot was created in my heart for him. not only was he an awesome musician, with long curly hair and a huge head, he was witty and smart! from then on, my day never passed without me checking out his sites (yes, he has 3 blog sites) as i would find his posts very refreshing.

what a great guy. i even told myself that he was someone worth spending a sleepless night with in july, during the live earth telecast (there’s 12-hour diff between manila and new jersey so i only saw his set at 3 or 4am).

ah… live earth…

it was that time i almost screamed “NO F*CKIN WAY! HOW DID HE GET SO HOT?!” (as it was only then that i saw that he had a haircut)

every song he performed that day became my favorite, even the repetitive “vultures” became one of those that i look forward to hearing again.

i turned into one hell of a fan. and reading his posts in his official site, his honeyee and his myspace page became a guilty pleasure.

there were times when i’d feel like a kid on christmas day, whenever i’d see a new feed from his blog sites or when i look at what he has written even before i became an avid reader. his notes always made my day/week/month. i would be entertained with his hilarious takes on life, his child-like excitement over his new “toys”, his ever-changing favorites in music, his awesome photos, his quotable quotes etc.

until, one day, he became serious… and his posts became a bit defensive, sarcastic and somber. there was a huge change… from his love affair with the cherry tomato to his declaration of war against the dallas cowboy fans. was it because he turned 30? was it his hatred over his so-called notoriety? was it his growing insecurity caused by the word “douchebag”? was it the mixture of reactions he received from fans and haters alike? or was he just plain busy?

i wouldn’t really know, and i actually decided not to mind it as it may just be a phase.

until i got this new feed…


There is danger in theoretical speculation of battle, in prejudice, in false reasoning, in pride, in braggadocio. There is one safe resource, the return to nature…

after reading the link he placed, and after giving up in trying to understand what “positive, negative o vortexes” mean, i just decided to just visit his past posts…and i found out that he erased EVERYTHING HE HAS WRITTEN on his official site.

i contemplated on the zero/null vortex discussion… and that was when i understood things…

in the universe, as complicated as it may seem, there lies a thing called nullity (none, zilch) — when a person is stuck in suspension. in that state, he has 2 choices, either to move forward or go back. however, if a hint of one of these vortexes is seen, the other one is hovering above him, for sure. that’s why crossroads happen.

then that thread went on to explain how this type of situation can be controlled (and it was in this part when my mind decided to go BLANK).

the forum may be about physics or time travel (i think, oh God help me not to make a fool of myself as i am one stupid person when it comes to science), but when you apply it to philosophy, you will know what he’s going through…

the thing is, when we look at articles and pictures about him and his latest antics, we may say that he is out of control (as his drunken state in vegas became more a big hit in the www, as compared to his early morning plight to this hospital for a charity show or his 3-hour concert that showcased why he is john mayer), and in his past posts, his vibe was somewhat leaning towards negativism… he somehow realized that (thank goodness) so what should he do next, as it is clear that he hasn’t really taken any specific route?

control his path… try to move forward and face his battles, the right way… while he still could.

apparently, coming from the book he just quoted, his battle plan is simple… be with nature. and nature, if we try to put some sense into this confusing post… can mean his roots… his life… and what he’s born with. he’s starting from scratch, when life for him was all about what he loves most.

in addition, by moving forward, travelling to the future means that he clearly is leaving the past behind, the time when things started to be too damn chaotic. and is now going back to what he is all about as far as we are concerned… HIS MUSIC. that’s his nature.

erasing his past posts was his first step.

a message for him, from me:

good one johnny. smart as always (but i think i may have a word with you regarding your choices of references… you just gave someone who only has her right side of the brain functioning most of the time one gigantic headache). oh i bet you thought no one can be as nerdy as you… quoting ardant du picq… ha! not quite, sir.

you may simply be doing some spring cleaning in your website, but man… you can actually do it pretty darn well.

well, i’m looking forward to this, his silence. because i know the next time he shows up in the radar, it means he is sharing what he is or who he is now

and by golly, he’ll make sure that his new news will be about another great piece of work he has done… career-wise.

but honestly, as elated as i may be for him, i’m also a bit worried… paranoia may have set in — can’t blame me as i am still in shock over heath ledger’s fate after his journey to the neurotic, moody, unpredictable and restless state of mind.

for now, however, i leave you with another message to john–

good for you mayer. you are lucky to be in that state of being able to choose your direction. i hope it leads you to what will make you happy.

but hey, you gotta slow down from time to time . just chill… go and do stuff like ‘2 guys, 1 cup’. that’s creativity.

a recommendation though, why not start off by laughing at the comments people have in your fansite regarding that blog post of yours.


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